So back to T today. Felt ok when I got there, normally theres a sense of shock within me when I return.

We talked about how I waited during the break for T's pro-activity, the card that never arrived, and I was saying how I feel this made a difference this break.

I thought that T was listening to my reasoning about how helpful it is when she said, "I wonder if it wasn't also because of how you reached a greater level of unconsious despair in the build up to the break?

Oh, i'd forgotten all that stuff that happened, the desperate emails, the misunderstanding thinking T said She was going to abandon me. I said, its strange, the veryast session befoe the break I can,t remember it, thats never happened before, I always remember sessionS. T said, yes because of the level of unconsIous despair.

Part Of me wanted to give the credit to T's offer of contacting me during breaks, I
Think now that she gently reminded me of where we were before the break adds up. I guess if how I dealt with the break and todays return was down to T's promise of contacting me then I could avoid the painful work, but I know deep inside that it was a very difficult time before the break and its the way we worked through that kept me from numbing to the degree I normally do during breaks.

Oh well, I said to her today, I guess its amatter time now we're back before the **** hits the fan again.

I said I wish I didn't act out in such a manner when "it" happens, T replied, "I think that has to happen first so that we can put words to it.

Shes right I know, bit scary though, that lead up to xmas was pretty manic, but I guess the positive us that when we're through it theres a new level of peace attAinable for me.