I really wish you were sitting here with me because I think it would be easier to say and explain all of this. But I have to say, and this isn't going to be easy to hear, but it sounds like she loves you because of the past and because of that she is trying to be gentle on your feelings. I don't see that she does want to be with you anymore and unfortunately, from what you said at least, it looks like she has been saying somethings that give you false hope out of her desire to not hurt your feelings too much. I know it sounds harsh, but first loves do usually hurt. My god, I'm 34 and I still hurt when I think about how I lost my first love (he had a traumatic brain injury and lost a lot of memories). I, to this very minute, miss him desperately and its been like 16 years since we were together. I miss him even though I'm happily married. I guess my point is that maybe, for your own sake, you seriously need to consider moving on past your ex-girlfriend. First of all, you are trying to cope with mental illness that you are just starting to get treatment for, so maybe you should spend some time getting yourself into a good place. Secondly, there are zillions of women out there. I know you think right now you could never love anyone else, but I promise you can. You've got to give yourself the chance to experience something other than her and constantly reliving and regretting the past. I don't mean any of this to be harsh, but you have to be realistic. You talk about being logical and analytical, but from what I read, you are looking at this relationship from purely an emotional perspective.

I wish you happiness and I hope that things work out ok for you.