I'm a realistic person. I've thought about it a lot. A lot a lot. The thing is she means so much to me. I have a lot easier time dealing with my depression than I do with my relationship issues because everything is a lot more black and white. I have had a lot of people (including myself) tell me I should move on. I think the things that bother me the most is that I feel like she didn't break up with ME persay. I mean, I know she did, but what I'm trying to say is I feel like If I didn't become depressed we would have been great. I mean she went from telling me she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me (marriage), to not being able to kiss me. One thing changed, I became sick. She broke up with me because she couldn't take the effects of my mood and behavior due to it. I just want to see if me getting back to being me will help the situation more.

When ever I've told myself that I should move on, it was usually because of 2 things. 1) I'd be mulling over our relationship, and I would get mad at her for breaking up with me when I was sick. I don't want this because that means our relationship would be permanently damaged. or 2) I'd be upset imagining her dating someone else, which is just really an extension of 1.

Sometimes I just think "You just want a relationship, and since you aren't in any sort of social circle (I'm not in school, and don't have a car) you are turning to something you've had." But I sit there and think, and when I do I ask myself, Do you want to be dating someone, or do you want to be dating her. Its always the latter.

So anyways. I know it may not be the best emotional course of action. And I realize there is a good chance she is trying to let me down softly (although she has been really adamant about not giving me false hope, she says it all the time, which Ironically makes me believe this more because she wouldn't give me hope for something that has 0% chance of happening.) And until that reaches 0%, or I eventually move on, I'm going to pursue it. At the very least, we still have our friendship.

Sorry I'm so stubborn, but I'm a really loyal person (I have very few, but close knit friends) so I can't let go, not just yet.

At least I'm acknowledging it eh?