I saw T. I did manage to just adjust the lights once and then flop on the couch and get started. It was a hard session. I know T was confused about what's going on with me, and it was hard for me to make him understand. Because of my history, I am WELL TRAINED never to talk about what is going on at home (when I was little I was told I would be killed, and I absolutely believed it), so it's really hard for me to talk about all of the stuff about H. I almost can't do it. My young parts get all mixed up with grown up me and it's just a confusing mess. I think it's also why I'm having such a hard time being present right now. I'm just scared.

I finally couldn't stand it anymore...I was getting a really bad tummy ache and thought I was going to throw up. I think T and I played dots (a pencil and paper game) and drew a picture. He thanked me twice for sticking with it long enough to help him understand what's going on.

That's it. I asked T if I feel so horrible because I'm healing. And he said yes. He said developing consciousness makes things hard sometimes. I hope it's all worth it in the end.