It was one of those sessions where I had so much to talk about and we really only scratched the surface. Very frustrating. He could tell I was floundering as I kept going from one thing to the next. He reminded me that if I was able to choose to set aside my "stuff" over vacation, I can choose to set it aside right now. He's right. It's just been back to the real world of work today, and all that "stuff" seems to be nudging its way back in.

Tomorrow he wants both my husband and me to meet with him during his session with our son. I told him that I just don't know if I can talk about what is going on with our son with my son present. I know I have made an incorrect association between my son and my past. That is not at all fair to my son. I'm just having trouble getting beyond that. I'm nervous about tomorrow. I don't want to respond in any way that might hurt my son. I know my t will be watching for that, so he'll help me. I have to trust that.

In talking about my son, we got into the subject of my CSA. I've recently gotten on Facebook (after being nagged by my oldest son and my nephew). It's great fun. Lots of interaction with family members and people I work with. I've had quite a few schoolmates find me. One of them happens to be the daughter of my perpetrator. She was my best friend growing up, although we were very competitive. Every time I see her name, I see what happened. I keep setting it aside and focusing on the good, but it is difficult work.

My t asked me if she knew what her father did to me. She doesn't. Really no one knows but my t, my pdoc, and my husband. T asked me why I didn't tell my parents. Things just got very dark and sad. T could tell we were getting into something we didn't have time for, so he stopped me, he worked to refocus me, he threatened to douse me with water and throw me outside (try staying focused on anything when you're freezing to death). I left anxious, but okay.

I'm worrying about tomorrow. I need to just let it go. What will be will be. I know this is long. I just needed to get it out somehow. Thanks for listening.