I know it's been a while since I've posted... but I'm quite embarrassed coming back and asking for help.

Right now, I'm eating very little... hiding food and lying about it... but I haven't been purging as much and started putting more effort into exercise. Although, in the past I've abused exercise... so I guess I'll just have to be careful and see where it goes...

There was a story on Yahoo! today about a teenager who struggles between a full-ride scholarship to Harvard and leaving behind his family. You can actually read the story here. But god, I feel like such a screw up--I was offered a full-ride scholarship too, but just didn't put in the effort to make anything out of it... And I look back at my life--the last 4 years in particular--and it's just a life-time of laziness. Besides, I can't even manage to write a short essay for some dinky liberal arts college in Idaho--there's no way I'd make it in a place like Harvard.

Well, anyway, there's my daily ramble. It's not like I've got anyone else to ramble to, besides the internet. Did I mention that I've been too afraid to leave the house for almost 3 weeks now? I don't remember. There's just a lot of pent-up anxiety, and I don't know why, but it just all decided to come up at once and for no particular reason. And there's really no reason. Aren't people all over the world abused--beaten, raped, tortured far worse than I? (I would say my case is very mild, considering.) Besides, that all ended about 14 months ago (when my brother moved out). I don't even think I was this screwed up when my dad was in the hospital and I had to ditch class to take him to therapy and commute over an hour just to drive to town (for therapy and school). But now, now that everything's OK and we found a good deal to rent a small house (instead of a tiny apartment) and my brother moved out, now's the time I lose my marbles. I'm the first to admit that I've never been really "chipper" and "happy," but I don't even know what I am anymore, I'm just an emotional car wreck, and just as things start to look up I crash back down again.

Maybe I'll talk about what happened with my brother, parents and I... it's not like I've never told anyone about it before... actually, I'd told pretty much everyone I knew at the time... But when so many people ignore you, after a while you start to question if anything really happened, and that's where I am right now... especially now that my brother supposedly turned his life around, yet still hasn't admitted anything. So... whatever. Maybe it's all in my head, and I'm a lot more sick than I realize. But what was I meaning to say? Oh, yeah. Maybe I'll talk about it in my next post, because I'm still trying to decide how to say it--formalizing the words into coherent ideas--while convincing myself it wasn't just some delusion, and it actually happened, and I still deserve justice.