Quote:
|
I know it's been a while since I've posted... but I'm quite embarrassed coming back and asking for help.
|
I am glad that you posted; I've missed hearing from you.
You feel embarrassed to talk here because you feel that you should be able to handle things on your own?
Quote:
|
Right now, I'm eating very little... hiding food and lying about it... but I haven't been purging as much and started putting more effort into exercise. Although, in the past I've abused exercise... so I guess I'll just have to be careful and see where it goes...
|
Does limiting your eating and abusing exercise help control or limit the pain you are feeling?
Quote:
|
But god, I feel like such a screw up--I was offered a full-ride scholarship too, but just didn't put in the effort to make anything out of it... And I look back at my life--the last 4 years in particular--and it's just a life-time of laziness.
|
Depression and eating disorders often manifest themselves in an inability to function at one's normal level.
Quote:
|
Besides, I can't even manage to write a short essay for some dinky liberal arts college in Idaho--there's no way I'd make it in a place like Harvard.
|
Are you saying that you are in college now? And that you got a full-ride scholarship? Or are you taking a class at a local college?
Quote:
|
Well, anyway, there's my daily ramble. It's not like I've got anyone else to ramble to, besides the internet.
|
I am glad that I and others here can be available to listen.
Quote:
|
Did I mention that I've been too afraid to leave the house for almost 3 weeks now? I don't remember.
|
No, I don't believe so. Thanks for letting us know. Has your family expressed concern or wondered about that? What do you fear might happen if you go out?
Quote:
|
There's just a lot of pent-up anxiety, and I don't know why, but it just all decided to come up at once and for no particular reason.
|
What are you feeling anxious about?
Quote:
|
And there's really no reason. Aren't people all over the world abused--beaten, raped, tortured far worse than I? (I would say my case is very mild, considering.)
|
Any sexual abuse is devastating, demoralizing, undermining, horrifying. Others may have had worse experiences, but I expect that your pain was and is still excruciating. I am so very sorry. I hope that you will be able to speak more about it, as you mention below.
Quote:
|
Besides, that all ended about 14 months ago (when my brother moved out).
|
The effects of the abuse--such as the feelings of worthlessness, the overwhelming shame, the desperate feelings of helplessness when no one would listen--can continue on, if untreated, even after the abuse has ended.
If you are about 18, then you were experiencing sexual abuse at age 16 or 17, and, it would seem, you endured abuse from your own brother for a long time, perhaps many years. How terribly you have suffered; I am so sorry.
Quote:
|
I don't even think I was this screwed up when my dad was in the hospital and I had to ditch class to take him to therapy and commute over an hour just to drive to town (for therapy and school). But now, now that everything's OK and we found a good deal to rent a small house (instead of a tiny apartment) and my brother moved out, now's the time I lose my marbles.
|
Perhaps now you feel a little safer, a little bit freer and so it's harder and harder to suppress buried feelings. A good therapist could help you understand this.
Quote:
|
Maybe I'll talk about what happened with my brother, parents and I... it's not like I've never told anyone about it before... actually, I'd told pretty much everyone I knew at the time... But when so many people ignore you, after a while you start to question if anything really happened, and that's where I am right now...
|
We will listen.
Quote:
|
Maybe I'll talk about it in my next post, because I'm still trying to decide how to say it--formalizing the words into coherent ideas--while convincing myself it wasn't just some delusion, and it actually happened, and I still deserve justice.
|
Part of justice is being heard. We will hear you.
Quote:
|
especially now that my brother supposedly turned his life around, yet still hasn't admitted anything.
|
You do deserve justice. Perhaps you already know what you need from your brother in order to obtain it. Perhaps you will learn that over time.
I hope that you will be able to speak more about the abuse. Until then, though, we will still be here to hear whatever you do feel able to say.