Anderson,

This one strikes so close to home. I will try not to take over your post by my own dilema. I want to extend hope in a seemingly impossible situation. 'bottom of the barrel hope' but 'hope' nonetheless.

I am very sorry for the great loss you wrote and that you have had to bear. I know of a similar loss, but not the same magnitude, in a different way.

Anderson, you have somone, a caregiver to your son and a kind of a caregiver to yourself, in a way. However, he keeps you at arms distance seemingly to be playing a seesaw game. He has been quite protective of you and sort of because of this, your little core person really likes him and you have the go ahead from her and the rest of you wants to know does he really see you in the way of experiencing 'fireworks' together? (kind of my way to put it, lol) Now you didn't say what type of togetherness but here's my take on it.

He's, your friend, and has been so good for your son and you, being that he is helping with the health and well-being of your son. You have a 'real' friend in this person, at a time when you needed him for your son. This is a way of prioritizing.

How I came to this conclusion is: What if you were together and had 'a falling out' and things got messy and you left and he, your friend, said he no longer would help take care of your son? This would be not so good and would put you back at square one, not counting what it may do to your son.

This would be my dream for you: Also, perhaps he, your friend, sees the 'great mom love' you have for your son and he does care for you so much, he sees that your son is your priority, which is true, no matter how challenging things have been and he knows if he is caring for your son, he is caring for you?

Also, the friend may want you at his home but he also knows that you need to get stronger and you will have a hard time getting stronger when you are in such close proximity to your son. (Or maybe he is just a 'cool-hand-luke' kind of guy and you know it doesn't seem like he is.)

As well, he says no you cannot leave because, what if he knows if you do, you may be even more disappointed than ever with the 'helps' out there for DID and you would be entirely alone then. Not even he and your son would be near to help you. Now we know you should have more for you too, so we hope that some 'decent DID help' comes soon but...

what do you do with the need of wanting to lie near to someone and have someone to go through life with together? (This is where we get pretty enmeshd so will try to leave our story out of it). I don't have an answer here. I just don't. I heard one of us say, we have to give our own self a hug, sorry, it's just all I know.

It is a pretty hard thing to look at, as we look daily into it. I should put one of those stupid grins here but that would just be downright, oh, I don't know...

...I just think, like you have being saying all along to all of us, PC is about your best solution for now. dear god please raise-up more excellent DID therapists and we hope sooner than later. This, I hope, for the sake of your wee insiders and even your adults, the whole system really, will be not too long, and that you and all of the rest of us in this same boat will be able to sustain and even thrive till that day. We pray also with some kind friends near you that in the meantime, maybe the great spirit will provide some comfort. This is definately hard to say as this is what we hope for daily and yet no realize for many many years. So here is this little eternal intercessor and us over here saying don't give up.