While I'm at it, I might as well address some of your questions.

Absolutely. I can't rely on others to solve my problems, because they always let me down. Being self-sufficient is a very important quality to me... my parent's are financially irresponsible, and I know that makes me freak out about finances all the time and being "thrifty." I hate wasting things--it's actually really hard for me to throw away food and clothes. Because I tend to hoard things, I tend to not buy things very often.

To some degree. I actually find that not eating stabilizes my mood, sort of like my SI did. After a binge, if I'm not able to purge, I crash and burn really bad, get suicidal... I'm out of control, and I don't like that, because it lets people into what I'm thinking.

No, I'm a high school senior. I know, it's confusing... I was offered a full-ride scholarship based on test scores and GPA and class ranking and all that jazz. But I wasn't selected as a finalist for the scholarship (it's through a non-profit organization called Questbridge, and they give full scholarships to several different schools, including Harvard, Princeton, Washington and Lee, MIT, etc.) although some schools offered me their own individual scholarships and admission separate from this scholarship application. This would require essays, teacher recommendations, and the like, just like any other application. I didn't apply because 1) if I wasn't accepted through Questbridge, I felt pretty much like a failure, and I don't deserve to attend anyway, and 2) my mom doesn't want me to move "far away" from home. My mom really wants me to go to a school nearby--a liberal arts college, and they're offering some good scholarships--so I've been working on the application essay for... a month now? and still haven't finished it. And the applications for a college like Harvard require multiple essays and teacher recommendations (I'm so afraid of asking my teachers, because I always feel like they hate me so much).

So... sorry, I hope this clarifies things. Ha, I'm freaking out over college and haven't even gotten there yet!

Nope. I've always been a recluse... or at least for the past few years... but even I think it's pretty bad if I can't go get the mail or start my car or buy food at the store...! I used to go out occasionally--just to a movie with friends or something, but I only went out with friends once all last year. I just don't want to go out because I don't want people to see me. Even though I go out rarely, my parents don't really like it when I go out... (it has to do with their church, and I had a big falling out with it that we're still arguing about--but they want me to associate only with people that belong to this church, because everyone else is supposedly a "bad influence." I think that's a pretty extreme point of view, and it's not like my friends are drug-dealer prostitutes! People inside this church claim to be so spiritual, but they're just like everyone else and it seems hypocritical to me--at least people outside don't claim to be the most spiritual people out there. They're just real and honest.) I'm pretty convinced that my mom expects me and my brother (referred to as J. in previous post) to live at home for the rest of our lives.

Food and my weight. I don't want people to see what a fat monster I am. People used to invite me out, but I'd always end up canceling at the last minute... I'd be too nervous, just, I don't know, just being somewhere where there's people I don't know makes me nervous. Also, I hate asking my parents permission to go out, because half the time they say "no" or lecture me about it. Or they yell at me when I come home. Or they just make you feel really guilty about it. But I don't want to go out and do something embarrassing, and I'm pretty sure everything I do is embarrassing, right down to the way I walk. I don't want people to size me up, but I feel like they're judging me all the time. It's irrational to think people are always watching you, but I honestly feel like they are! That's why I'm always closing the blinds at home--which I think is the only thing my parents have noticed.

I'll put that paragraph into list form:
I'm anxious because...

• I'm afraid of doing/saying something to humiliate/embarrass myself
• I want to avoid confrontation with my parents
• I'm nervous around new people
• I don't want people to judge me
• I'm paranoid
• It's difficult to stay in control in public