So sorry about how you are doing. Your pain jumps right off the page. You speak the words of the depressed. Is the illness, not a personal failing or lack of will, that has you in desperation.

Do you have a therapist? Are you on any antidepressants? Call your therapist if you are and ask for help. If you have no therapist, you need one. You are in crisis and require professional help. Please take action now.

Good luck. Please let us know how you are doing.