Quote:
Originally Posted by Abby
I desperately want to be strong. I desperately want to bear this pain with dignity. Why then do i act like such a victim? Why do i give up so easily? Why is the very thought of being strong quickly followed by fear? I imagine what i could be but then i get caught up in the depression reality...which is my reality, for better or worse. I thought resting, hiding, stopping would help me regain my strength...but in actual fact i've hidden for so long i've got no life left, and i STILL have no strength to live one, let alone re-start it! I should have just maintained the last one, however bad. But i couldn't....i'll give myself that one concession in the tirade of guilt/yelling in my brain. I desperately want to have a 'phoenix out of the ashes' style transformation, rather than feeling like a snail - small, insignificant and slow. Is that egotistical or just plain desperate?
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Your post leapt out at me, so similar to how I feel - I don't feel as bad as I did but I have such fear about trying to restart things or start new things because, I think, I can't bear failing again. I tried keeping going through depression which didn't work, then tried resting and stopping, and I don't think that works too well either.
But maybe in the long run, making steady - albeit snail slow - progress will lead to a more sustainable recovery? Rather than shouting "Tada! I'm cured!"? A bit like an ex-smoker evangelising on how they stopped and how marvellous it all is, compared to the quieter person who gave up but didn't need to make a big deal over it.
Well, I don't know if that is the case, but I do hope so, for you, and me, and all who are doubting every moment going towards recovery.
