I feel really guilty about posting about my own situation but I've been feeling really alone lately. I know I'm not the only person on the planet that is dealing with depression. It just keeps going over in my mind about how self-absorbed and introverted and selfish I am. I feel the need to apologise constantly - even in my own mind, to everyone around me because I'm such a let down.

My mood has just been in a steady decline over the last few weeks. On Monday morning I woke and knew that I couldn't face the outside world. Something has changed in me. I haven't had a downward spiral like this since I have been on my meds but I guess starting therapy has definitely been a trigger for unwanted thoughts and stirring up memories and emotions that I had pushed down inside for years.

I feel so desperate at the moment. So alone with constant thoughts that I can't do this. I can't seem to cope with anything more that getting out of bed and getting dressed to take the dog out. I fear that I'll have to make conversation with neighbours and I can't wait to get back inside - the only place I feel safe just now. All I want to do is sit and think but my mind can't stay on just one thing. I forget what I'm doing or what I was thinking about. I feel a rage inside and a need to punish myself for something. I have no idea where this rage has come from. All I know is that I feel like I'm going to explode. I feel trapped inside my own head. I feel trapped inside a body that I feel I don't belong in and I want out.

I'm sorry for babbling on but I don't know how to deal with this anymore. I went to my GP but they just ask "what do you feel we can do to help you?" How am I supposed to say "please save me from myself?". I feel really alone and I guess I'm a bit scared. I'm due to see my T tomorrow but I don't think I'll be able to make it because of the horrendous snow we have here. What would she be able to say that would make things better anyway...? I don't know. I started to ask myself if therapy is even worth it. Maybe my T will see what a hopeless case I am anyway and decide to finish the sessions. Maybe I should quit before it gets to messy? She seems so nice I feel awful about burdening her with all my trivial and petty problems. I need to think about this but my mind never seems to focus for long enough.

I want to speak to my pastor but I feel terrible about budening him. Why can't I just disappear...