I finally was able to send an e-mail to T. It was a one line e-mail, just reaching out to see if he's there. Of course he is. But I needed to do it. It's funny - I had written a REALLY long e-mail and didn't feel safe sending it, then I wrote a shorter one, and a shorter one, and finally sent the one line one. I saved the other ones in my drafts. Maybe I will bring them to read on Thursday. There is important stuff in there. Maybe I will feel safer reading it to him in person so I can see his reaction.

I'm going to bed. I hate that I used bad coping skills. I know I would tell someone else to be gentle with themselves, and I would really mean it.

I think I just want to sleep. Thanks for letting me use the board to vent and to get support.