'Oddly enough, after these incidents it is usually me who is persona non grata in the house. Regardless of how the issue started, if I stand up for myself then I get shut out for days. It is as though by standing up I am betraying her in some way. She gets very upset and blames me for the whole episode.'

I can totally get what you are saying. My ex would totally agree with you. All I can say is that is not 'her' but her illness reacting. Nothing makes sense and the pain is so intense that all she has left or all she can do is to transfer or explode and you are the easiest target to take the hits. Shamefully I will admit that my son suffered the same bad treatment too.

I blamed my ex for everything in a desperate search to give reason for the raging and all the negativity that dominated my thinking. For my life spiraling out of control. If he would just do this or that or not do this or that then I wouldn't be so messed up. He couldn't say anything much to me without me taking it the 'wrong' way, twisting it and blowing it way out of proportion. It was a endless cycle and I couldn't see the irrationality of any of it. All I could feel was pain.

Near the end I would just isolate myself after an outburst or to prevent an outburst and he would become a 'yes' man biting his tongue just to keep the peace hoping beyond hope that he didn't set me off. Sometimes he would try to lighten a situation with laughter and that would often back fire. It would just irratate me all the more. He could not win for loosing. It was very very sad. It wore on his love for me until eventually he couldn't take any more and moved out.

It has been a few years now since he left and I have recovered enough or at least learned enough about my illness and learned enough coping skills and accepted effective treatments so that I don't act out in the same ways as I did before. I have the tools to manage the effects of the illness that I didn't have in the beginning. I may still have the same pain for short or long periods of time but I now have knowledge and skills that make it so that I don't need to transfer my pain or blame anyone else anymore. And if I do slip and suddenly lash out I am able to pull it back and see what is going on and utilize a skill to get through it without the calateral damage.

The illness may still have me but I am not helpless or a hostage to it in the same way anymore. I get it now and so those around me don't have to prepare themselves for target practice everytime I enter a room. My ex gets it now too to some degree and he now has his own arsonal of coping skills to know how better to read me and respond to my mood swings. We can actually communicate about it now which is a real blessing for me. I don't feel judged by him anymore. I feel supported and accepted and even loved if on a different level.

My ex and I have become very good friends again and when he does come to visit now its a whole different ball game. I may still isolate myself when I feel over stimulated or off balance but I'm not hidding from or rejecting anyone in the process. Its about maintaining balance within so that when I am engaged I am not defensive or aggressive in my defensiveness. Knowing, accepting and coping with the illness as a family in a healthy way. The times we spend together now are enjoyable again and the times when I have to retreat are not seen by others or used by me in a negative or hurtful way anymore. When I feel overwhelmed and the temptation to rage at him or my son wells up in me I can talk my way through it and give myself permission to make healthier chooses than before. I have learned and practiced alternatives for processing what is going on with me. I will be honest about and conscious of my feelings and state outload when I need some quiet time because I am feeling off balance. I will use that quiet time to regroup my feelings so that I can return to positive engagement.

My ex and my son are able to read me now and able to offer suggestions or take approaches with me that aid in my recovery. They too get that this illness is real and requires accommodation. They don't blame me and I don't blame them. Together we have learned to live better with the illness in our midst and for the most part we interact in healthy and loving ways again. The illness is not the centre of our world anymore because we no long live in a battle zone fueled by of ignorance of the illness and the incapacity to know what to do. We have skills, knowledge and hope.

I often still wonder if I or we had been more receptive to getting professional help earlier if now we might still be together. It is too late now to speculate on what could have been but still I wonder.

Please don't wait too long to get professional help and please try not try to make sense of a non-sensical situation. You can not beat the illness by applying rationale concepts to irrationale behaviours. I think you need to first understand the mechanisms behind the irrationale effects of the illness and separate your wife from her behaviours. (if that makes any sense)

I expect you are very tired right now. Tired of thinking about this and tired of dealing with the chaos. Feeling pretty defeated and without a clue how to keep the peace with her. How exhausting that must be for you. I pray a fork in the road is presented to you soon that you and your family may find the path to recovery and a renewed normality. It is possible.

Have you read any other threads around here? It might be insightful to read how some folks around here cope or sometimes don't cope from time to time. Just a thought.

Keep posting.