When I had to leave this morning, I planned to go back tonight and reread what you had written about physical abuse. Now that I am looking at this topic more closely, it seems that I did not nearly appreciate the extent of physical abuse that you apparently also have experienced. If I am understanding you correctly, you experienced physical abuse in a concentrated way at ages 10 and 16. Between those ages, you still experienced physical abuse--less frequently, perhaps, but still often enough that you disclosed it to your math teacher at age 12--and learned that school-based professionals would not bring you help or justice either. Your "friends", also, did worse than nothing--they befriended the abuser.

Then, around the time of your dad's stroke, June or July 2008, your brother again began to molest you, until your family moved in about November 2008 and your brother stayed behind. Perhaps your father's incapacity emboldened your brother. I guess that you were 17 at that time. It sounds like you didn't bother to tell your parents about much of the physical abuse, since you had reason to feel sure that they would do nothing about it--and, of course, you were providing intense care to your father, and no doubt worrying about him, while at the same time having to deal with your brother's molestation.

I just cannot grasp the entirety of the pain, the suffering, the feelings of debasement, demoralization and abandonment that you have endured. I am so terribly sorry. I want to say to everyone involved that what your brother did to you was wrong and evil, completely wrong and evil. That you never deserved that treatment, any of it, and that you deserve justice. I think that speaking the truth about the evil you experienced is an important step toward weakening its grasp on you, toward attacking the intense, overwhelming sense of shame that you feel.

I would expect that your depression, disordered eating, low self-esteem, agoraphobia, lack of initiative, inability to complete applications or inability to work up to your abilities, overwhelming shame, anxiety, paranoia, sense of worthlessness--most if not all of the problems you have mentioned--are rooted in the sexual abuse. Many evils can grow from one evil root.

I wish that there were a way for you to get therapy from someone experienced in the field of sexual abuse, to work to repair the damage. At a minimum, I'd like to suggest that you call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE(4673) or use the National Sexual Assault Online Hotline, http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/, where you can connect live to a trained support person online. Both of these are services of RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network), www.rainn.org. The people there can knowledgeably listen and understand.

Realize also that at most colleges there is a counseling center that can be helpful.

I believe that another obstacle to your recovery and growth is a parental expectation that you must not experience freedom to associate with others, to go to an appropriate college, to begin to move away to fully your own life. What is the point of working, completing applications, having friends, etc., if you can't benefit from the fruit of your work?

I can and do say that you are blameless and innocent and good, that you don't deserve shame and embarrassment. However, I expect that, due to the abuse, you can't, right now, believe or accept such remarks. But please consider this: If what you have experienced happened to another young woman, someone you know or are friends with, I believe that you would not blame her. I believe that you would see her as innocent and good and worthy of respect and love. As a place to start, please remember that other young woman.