((((((for worse or forworse)))))))) Most of us who suffer from a mental illnessof some kind bear a lot of shame around in us, and guilt for our behaviour. One of the worst about these emeotions is, because we are a bit out of control and can't always right what we do wrong ourselves, we can't take normal, healthy and, yes, decent steps to rectify the situation. Add to that the tendency that depression has to magnify the self accusation, and some people willl have a paradoxical response. The guilt and shame are so overwhelming that they can not admit any of it or what has caused it. all the problems have to be someone else's fault. My mom has a very obessesive compulsive personality and when she gets depressed, it is NOOT a good scene. Everyone else is on the -it list. But that is because she was raised to think of certain actions and thoughts to be unforgiveable for a woman. And she HAS to be perfect...
Tha't probably not exactly your wife's problem, (perfection), but I have the feeling that toxic shame might well be. For a good example of the extremes it can go to, read Pelzer's "a Boy Called It".
Any chance of couple counseling, or at least help for her? In MY case I needed my husband pointing out to me how hard it was for the kids to have me like that. Huggs dear, and I really feel for you.