Hi Michele,

How are you?

Your last post (34) really reminds me how I felt when I met my bf. Our first 8 months were great. The odd argument but generally it was wonderful. Then, I will never forget this, one evening, he just started - what people would call an argument - but to me it was a long rant. He was shouting. I was the devil. I do not think I have even seen anyone so angry. I dont remember the names he called me but he did. And I felt lost (because I could not understand why or the reason for this or this behaviour). I was shocked and of course hurt. I stayed the weekend with him and this was quite late into the evening so I left the next morning. He called me that evening and sounded very sad. All I could ask him was 'why'. He said he did not know. He did not want to talk about it. But I could not overlook it. I told him he had to understand for himself why he behaved this way and that he should never do this again if he wants to stay with me. It took a while but it happened again. The second time I was very angry. I did not talk to him for days. I could sort of see that he is throwing at me a lot of the things that he should be throwing at his ex. I just said to him that I am not the one who cheated on him and humiliated him, that hurt his feelings so much and that his anger should be directed else where. I think intuitively he could understand I was right but he did nothing to change. Until I left him. Only then did he go to counselling, to sort himself. After about 6 months we were back together and working on our relationship. I cannot say that our relationship is perfect now, after 6 years. But it is supportive and gentle. He still has an anger issue but he knows that. He steps away. He also has a drive to feel ashamed and he is dealing with that too. He used to self sooth with alcohol and now he is not drinking that much. He has dealt with certain aspects of his past and where before he thought all the time that it was only a matter of time until I cheat on him, now it does not even enter his mind. All this took a lot of time and love and patience. And hard work from both of us. Me on the other hand, I had to learn how to set my boundaries firmly, deal with my emotions such as sadness, hurt, anger and fear, allow myself space, and also how to self sooth and take care of my needs. I suffered from PTS and this had a contribution to our interaction...

I am telling you all this because maybe it will help you in seeing what is going on behind the swear words and the constant arguing. That in no means shape or form mean that you should tolerate abuse!! From what you are saying, it sounds like the best thing is for you two to seperate and for each to look after their own needs and issues. Go to therapy seperately and if after 6 months or a year you still feel you want each other then try again. It will be a gift worth giving to yourselves. You clearly cannot go on like this. You are risking your own self worth and emotional (as well as physical) safety.

Let me know how you feel. I hug you xxx