- Worth repeating and highlighting!

Thunderbear, I find so many things in your post with which I can identify that it's almost triggering. I've been dancing around attempting an uplifting reply and I'm not sure I can produce one.

My "blessed curse" here is blunted emotion. I strongly disapprove of who I've become, but my emptiness and ever-wandering mind interfere with that strong self-disapproval's ability to generate negative, self-hating emotions.

- Trigger -

Personally, I doubt you would rank high on the yardstick of "horrible" motherhood. If you have the stomach for it, take a look at the results of this Google search: "maternal filicide".