Oh Bluehen, my heart ached for you when i read your words. From DAY 1, I have obsessed about and dreaded termination. And it absolutely, ABSOLUTELY has kept me in an insecure attachment state with my t. I am never able to relax and give myself over into feeling the good feeling of connection with her. A part of me is always fearful, always holding back from allowing myself to feel attached or good with her. When I do experience a moment of attachment, i generally (unconsciously) end up finding a way to get upset with her and then distance. As badly as i need attachment and connection with my t, there is something too scary about letting somebody in close to my heart. Deep down, i think what holds me back has always been the "ending." I have experienced so many losses in my life that have devastated me. It is a fight -- truly a fight -- trying to allow myself to feel attached and close with my t, because i know someday the loss will come.

I am so sorry that you struggled with this throughout your time in therapy, and that you feel some regret now. Would it be possible for you to contact your former t, at least to tell her how you feel? Can you get some help in dealing with the loss, and in trying to hang onto some feeling of connectedness with her even though you've terminated? I feel for you so much. . .