since you are finding yourself falling into those same behaviors you despise in religious folks, when you have left religion behind, i think the problem you are dealing with is not really one of religion but more likely of abuse, namely spiritual abuse. abuse takes many forms and sadly some particularly damaging abuse happens in the name of religion. i am so sorry that you have experienced this and i've met plenty of others online who have experienced it as well. i used to hang out on a forum of a new movement within my faith and a number of the people had come from abusive spiritual backgrounds. unfortunately, i only know of resources for this for people who are still within their faith, but i'd encourage you to google something like "spiritual abuse" and "recovery" as there are probably some good resources out there that can help you heal. seeing a therapist for this is also a good option.