In utter silence I sit, except these voices within afraid and unsure. I look inward and see those within afraid to reach, afraid to be heard. And without those feelings grab ahold of this person who tries so hard to hide what is screaming silently so no one knows. And afraid I come here to try to release what I feel is something that wants me to end me. A feeling that is really strong, yet I am afraid to let anyone know.

This feeling of aloneness swallows you even though there are people around. Their mouths moving yet at times you strain to hear as others step in the way blocking the possible words that may be the very thing you need to hear. The very thing to keep you going. The very feeling that maybe you are not alone.

So many within trapped by those that are programmed to stop hope. Taking positive words and turning them away. Little's afraid where safety once was. Asking who they can trust. Reaching out yet retracting just as fast. Wanting so much to believe in good yet confused as to what to believe. And myself reaching out through fear and questions to try to make sense of what is taking place within but afraid no one will listen or care to hear. And the understanding that we do not have, how can we expect anyone else to understand.

How could this happen? What evil is so present that makes one leave themselves just to survive? That breaks one down to the point that another steps in filled with messages that ones own self would never do and does not know exists for years to come.

That stays silent until the time that one reaches out and begins to open up to heal, getting to the truth and slapped back before one even understands what has happened. And once again the fear entraps every core of your being and words make no sense. Your thoughts jumble even faster than usual, and you are left at times wondering what just happened as things around you are puzzled and you are so afraid.

Little ones asking why, you pulling away for fear, and those within not really of yourself laughing at the chaos it has left you. What just happened you ask yourself as you step back to reality----tears streaming down your face. And a blank slate of time stares back at you with no answers. Something is happening, and the memory is lying there wide open and you are terrified as the one who holds it gives it back.

But silence is all you can show, hoping------just hoping that feeling will lift, and you will still be here. This is something we have not shared with anyone. For the fear is too great. And you try so hard to hide behind a face--a smile, so no one will see. We are afraid----I am afraid. Silently----I cry.

dps