Thank you both for taking the time to reply. It has helped writing down how I am feeling. I know I have come a long way since this time last year but I do find it hard to acknowledge that at times. I feel that if I say I feel better, that any support I have will be taken from me. Again, I know that's part of my character and part of depression - not feeling good enough to deserve any attention - and also part of growing up with a public health system and worrying that I am using resources that someone else needs more than I do. I feel I am being arrogant in thinking anyone could possibly be interested in how I feel.

It's hard not to be affected by the new year, I think - starting afresh and being positive and so on. I remember being with friends last new year when they were talking about their hopes for the year, and I felt so cut off from them as I couldn't get past thinking that I wasn't going to be around for much longer, that it was inevitable I would commit suicide. That clearly hasn't happened so I must be a bit better at least.

I'm sorry that you're struggling too, Mixed up emotions - I do hope things start improving for you soon. Baby steps and one day at a time are good things to remember - though I can't really talk, that sounds so simple and is so hard to put into practice.

Thank you again.