yesterday i was talking to my T about how things were when I was an adoescent, particularly between my mother and me. She asked me at some point if my mother may have felt helpless. I wasn't sure where the question was coming from, but after thinking for a moment I said "well she may have felt helpless. My father was a crazy alcoholic" She replied "yes, it is always easier to blame someone else"
I took that to mean that my mother was blaming my father for how she was, but when I was on my way home I wondered if she meant it was me blaming my father, when it was me who was making my mother feel helpess.
I was awake most of the night trying to figure out if my own behaviour was actually the reason my mother treated me the way she did. I can see that she was likely exasperated by the fact that I went from being an A student to cutting a lot of classes and getting marks as low as F's in some classes. But that was the extent of what she had to deal with. I was not rebellious, never expressed anger, did not cause trouble I was pretty much who I am today, terrified and compliant. My acting out in school was my way of trying to express to the people there that something was wrong at home There was no help to be had at home, but I guess some part of me hoped someone would do something.
The only other idea I have is that if I was as hard for my mother to 'reach' as I am for my T, then maybe that made her feel helpless Except my mother never tried to reach me. She was not at all interested in me or how I felt or what I thought. If I seemed upset she would not ask "what's wrong?" she would tell me to snap out of it and put a smile on my face.
Anyhow, today I am stuck in this awful thought/feeling that while my other's abuse of me may have been painful, it was my own fault because I made her feel helpless and she did not know how to cope with me.
My adult self can tolerate this thought because she is distanced from the situation and is really nothing but a brain. But my kid selves are falling into despair. If it was their fault, then...they should just shut up and grow up. They should feel as sorry for my mother as they do for themselves. Surely this is not where my therapist was trying to get me to go?
I know I will have to ask her, but I don't see her again till the 19th and meanwhile today I am paralysed and very messed up.
Thanks for 'listening'