You're right. I do not trutst him and expect things to revert back to what they were when we were married. He may have good intentions. But I'm always thinking about how the best predicter of future behavior is past behavior. I've had domestiv abuse counseling, and I've been counseled not to go back to him, but it's like I'm either mezmerized by him or addicted to him. I go to a twelve-step program and am trying to work the steps to recovery, but I have a long way to go.

The loneliness I feel is not the typical loneliness. It's more like I am isolating myself socially, except when I'm at work when I feel happy to interact with my students and the staff of professionals. Other than that, I seclude myself to my bedroom a lot and feel isolated, confused, and not knowing who to trust. I don't even trust myself to make right decisions for myself.

All I want is the good feeling I used to have with him when he was gentle and kind to me. But the times of cruelty far outweighed the good times. So why do I yearn to have him back? I know it sounds crazy but, on one hand, I've put him on a pedestal because he can be so charming and wonderful at times while, on the other, he is sadistic, cruel, and narcissistic.

I just want clarity in this situation, and yet clarity seems as far removed as the north pole from the south pole.

Thanks for letting me rant.