I'm a failure as a mother.

When my kids father and I broke up, I left the children with him. They've been in his primary care since then, a year and a half. I've not gone for custody, paid child support, supported them financially. I've not been involved in their education.

I was involved with a guy right after me and my kids father split... he wasn't involved in his childs care neither.

I'm not blaming him in any way though. I am responsible for not being fully involved with my own children.

At the time, when I had left, I didn't have a house or job... and I believed being with their father was the better place. But he's an alcoholic, and is now completely disabled. And YET, I have not stepped in and gotten my kids out of that situation. I am trying now though... I have a job, moved out of my boyfriends house, and am saving money to get my own place and a new car... so that I have something to offer them.

BUT, my kids father acts like he is in complete authority over my children. He tells me over and over that if I move here or there (neighborhoods), he will not let me see my children. He blackmails me all the time. I allow him to intimidate me and do his demands, just to see my kids. He abuses me mentally everytime we speak... telling me there's no hope for me, that I am a lousy mother... that I will fail unless I do exactley what he tells me to do.

I want my children NOW... but I am living with my mother. I have no car. I'm staying out of a unheated bedroom in my moms crib.... and theres a lot of drug activity here. But I have no where else to go, and to take my children to.

Are these just excuses to not take care of my own kids? Maybe deep down I am like my own mother... an abondener?