I'm not diagnosed bulimic because I don't vomit or OD on laxatives, but I have been diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder. Diagnosed, but not treated--don't know what to do about it. Mentioned it to my doctor, but have no direction to go in from here.

Something sets me off, and I'll begin starving myself. It might be a simple well intentioned remark that comes out sounding like "stop eating" (which I've actually been told to do, though I'm sure he didn't mean it literally) or it might be an obscenity yelled at me from a passing car. Basically I get so disgusted with myself that I don't eat. I might tell myself, for example, that with all the starvation going on in the world, what right have I to be so fat? I battle depression as well, and as cruel as other people have been to me, the most hateful remark ever aimed at me came from inside my own head. "Go ahead and die. It might solve the world hunger problem, 'cuz then there'd be enough left for everybody else."

Of course, we can't go on starving ourselves, and after a while I build up so much honest-to-goodness hunger that I'll eat anything edible. I'm rather reclusive by nature, and during binges is when most people actually see me. I crawl out from my hidey-hole and *eat.* People don't realize that the double-cheeseburger I'm wolfing down is the first I've had since a week ago last Thursday. They just see a fat woman gobbling up food like there's no tomorrow, and think "no wonder she's so fat." Then I feel ashamed of myself for the binge, and go back to starving...

It's been this way since I was 8 years old and heard my first negative comment about my weight. (Funny thing is, I was not overweight at that time, just taller and more developed than average, and therefore heavier.)

And it has not stopped since I became diabetic, even though I realize I "have to eat." My husband will tell me I have to eat. My doctor will tell me I have to eat. But I won't eat. My blood sugar still runs high, I still need to take insulin, and besides, isn't being fat supposedly a cause of diabetes in the first place?

I know the truth. I was assured at the diabetic center that if you don't have the genetic predisposition for diabetes, you cannot make yourself diabetic no matter what you eat. I also know that when I'm starving, my body grabs onto every calorie it can get, and piles it up extra for the next famine. But when those rude remarks come along, everything I know flies out the window.

So that's me, and where I come from. Does anyone have any words of wisdom?