Elysium-
If I remember correctly you have a history of CSA. I don't think that your reaction is at all surprising given your history. When we have been violated by those we are supposed to be able to trust (or not protected by those who should have protected us) and protect us it can be hard to see how others would be trustworthy. How can we believe that we will be safe with someone new when those who were supposed to be safe in the past were not. I was sexually assaulted in high school by another student and I have nightmares about intimacy. The idea of another person touching me in that way brings all the feelings of horror and fear and dirtyness up again. I can totally understand how you could have reservations about being intimate with someone. Have you talke to your T about this? I always feel like it is one of those areas I'm really good at avoiding.