Part of my adoption story told Me by my unfit adoptive mother was, I never cried. I recall she said how my adoptive fathers old aunt visited and asked why hadn't I been fed during her visit?. My amum always Use to tell this story with a sort of pride that I never cried.

As I told T this she tutted and then I said how for the first time this week I asked myself the question, what if I did cry?

I was abandoned at birth and was alone in the hospItal for 8days, so I doubt nurses Had the time to come to my cries.

I Once told T that I don't know why, but I have this kind of idea of having beenoperated on awake, today I likened crying as a newborn and going unheard aS been operated on awake withoout being able to communIcate my fear.

I Said how when things trigger me I get scared and the getting scared feels like I'm on the moon with the fear and theres
No one to help.

T said, I don t think its the being triggered thats the problem as much as not being able to soothe that fear, not havinG any model to refer to who should have soothed you. I told her how I then sort of lose touch and all i can hear is crowds fighting and screaming. T said I think thats the cries of a very small baby that to suruvive you split of and projected out into the world around you.

Yes, this is the first time I am willing to begin tO believe that perhaps I did cry and perhaps that baby is still screaming now.

T asked would it help if she came and rescued me from the moon? I am afraid at this point that image doesn't help, think We have a bit more work to do on me crying on the moon for a simple solution to be of use yet. But i so appricate her attempt to offer me comfort, the xcreaming baby is much to scared to trust that hand yet, to many have In the past simply dropped me. But its good that at lasT some movement is being made.