I saw my pdoc yesterday. He talked to me for about half an hour which is long for us. He prescribed some anti-anxiety meds, but I don't know if I'll get them filled. I don't like to have those or sleep meds on hand. He wants to see me again in a couple of weeks. Call him if things get worse obviously.

My t and I played phone tag all day. Finally, late in the evening I called his answering service. I different doctor called me back. He was covering for everyone in the office last night. I told him I didn't want to talk to him. I guess he called me t because t called me a few minutes later. I fussed at him for not calling my pdoc like he said he would, but apparently they had played phone tag all day also. No big deal anyway. I took care of it.

T talked to me for an hour and a half last night. We didn't get off the phone until about midnight. He kept repeating what he's been saying all along. My mind is just reeling and things aren't sinking in. He says I'm a bit crazy thinking right now. I know. Not rational at all. He's trying to get me to focus on my son instead of my old stuff. My history is out of place in the scheme of things right now. I have to make the choice to deal with the here and now and leave my history behind me. It is a choice. I can choose to let the history dominate my life, or I can live my life now. I have to make that decision. Sounds so easy, but it's really hard when I'm having flashbacks. But I can choose what to do with them too. If I put as much effort into feeling good as I do into feeling bad, I'd be doing really well. My past makes me feel bad. I can choose to put the history aside and deal with the present. That will help. It's just such an automatic response to focus on the crap.

I'm having to do for my son what I have never done for myself. Stand up and fight. I'm terrified. T knows that, and he's doing his best to support me. I'm wound up really tight and not allowing myself to think straight.

We talked about my fear of going to sleep at night. I've been staying up really late, not wanting to go to be. I told my pdoc about it yesterday and he said I need to get a handle on that. T thinks, and he may be right, that I'm afraid to go off guard. That if I go to sleep, something bad is going to happen in my house. I'm taking responsibility for the actions and safety of everyone in my house, and that just is completely irrational and making me crazy. T said until I explore that and give it up, I'm going to make myself sicker.

I don't know that much got resolved last night, but he did get me to slow down my thinking a bit. He gave me options in my thought process that I wasn't giving myself. He's good at that.

I see him on Monday. He told me to call him this weekend if I need him. He knows I'm under incredible stress. I try to leave him alone on the weekends, but I will if I need to.