You have to protect yourself. That doesn't make you a bad mom. Being abused by your own son would be so hard. I don't know how I would deal with that. Vent as much as you need to here. Sometimes it helps to get it out there, especially where you can see it spelled out and also get support. You're not alone. I work with youth with behavior problems, and many of them are sent to us because they are too dangerous to stay with their parents.