I had forgotten this post. Since I wrote it, the bipolar diagnosis has been brushed aside, and I've started seeing a new therapist. I tried telling her how frustrating/painful this social anxiety (or whatever it is) is for me, and rather than explore the issue, she seems to just want me to learn to be content with "that's just the way I am." The thing is, it's not who I am inside. Having been hypomanic before and knowing what it's like to be outgoing and have friends and actually enjoy parties, I can never, EVER be content in the wallflower role. I have tasted of the way that so many others live life more fully, and I cannot be satisfied with just a fragment of what I know is possible. I want to know what's holding me back, and I want to overcome it! From what the therapist has said, I suspect that she has similar social inhibitions, but instead of trying for more, she has chosen to be content with it... so why should my goals be any different?

I'm not sure that we're the best fit. I feel strongly about my goals, especially in this respect, and I don't think we're "on the same page." So, instead of coming to my level or explaining why her goals differ from mine, she accuses me of being difficult by "shooting down" all of her attempts to help me. *sigh* I don't want to switch therapists again, but if we can't agree on what we ought to be working towards, then we're wasting our time.

Wambat - I babble to anyone and everyone, too... why do you think I ended up on PsychCentral?? :P I definitely having trouble with selecting the appropriate audience for my thoughts sometimes. However, I don't usually feel that I'm reaching out to others... I live alone and I'm fairly content by myself except when I'm in a social situation or realizing how pathetic it is that I'm nearing 26 and have never had a boyfriend or anything.

Although I'm not officially bipolar any more, I still have my moods, and I think that can make it harder for a person to make and keep friends. Harder to make friends because who wants to be friends with someone who is depressed?, and harder to keep friends because a person who befriends you while you're 'up' may not be able to handle you while you're down.

I KNOW I worry about rejection more than many people. I'm very sensitive to criticism, and I think that's part of what makes social situations hard for me. I worry that my conversation attempts will be awkward, and that I'll be a downer. I don't dance because I'm so self-conscious and because I worry that people will laugh at me. So what do I do? I withdraw. I stand at the side and watch, desperately wishing that I could be involved... laughing, talking, dancing, and enjoying myself like everyone else. I get so anxious and saddened by my perceived inability to participate that I become upset. I can't tell you how many times I've left a social gathering in tears because of this.

Anyway, I'm pulling for you too. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one... I just wish I had more understanding/support from my therapist. It would mean a lot to me to feel like I had her as a strong ally, and that through her, I have some concrete hope of overcoming this. For now, it seems I'm still flying solo.