Elliemay, Thank you for taking the time to find that article, I am touched!

Perna, When it happens and T stays calm as you say, it doesnt appear to help, I once told her after one of these occassions that I need her to step inside it with me and help me out. Ive sat on a bench for a whole day before wondering why others that sat on the bench as the day passed werent seeing what I was seeing...I dont think I can laugh at them yet, it feels to entrenched still for me..I will admit though that the strenght I draw from a tiny morsel at a time is the fact T remains calm, unyet I feel desperate to draw her in to it with me. In my rational mind I can be rational when it comes upon me there is no where to grab hold off...its just so so so scary and real and when it happens I just want to die/.