I think it's the Zyprexa, I've been on it for a month and it's not getting any better. I'm gaining weight - not good when I'm at risk for diabetes! - painfully constipated, so shaky at times I can hardly do what I need to, conflicting with my ability to do things I want to do, too. Words are difficult to speak at times, stuttering - especially when I'm anxious, and I certainly don't need that with my social anxiety. I just feel more frustrated and depressed over these things.
But this is the medicine that boosted me out of being "darkly" suicidal. And I've run out of time for experimenting - I can't do it outpatient because I can't trust myself to stay safe when my meds are unstable. And I can't do it inpatient because school is starting, I don't have the time, and with how I'm doing lately what I may really need is a long stay to find anything that really works. The combination I'm on now is only minimally helpful. But if I were to wait on school, in order to take care of a meds change, the bank is going to start expecting me to pay back my loans - which are currently deferred as long as I'm a full-time student.
I feel so stuck, I don't know what to do. I don't know what keeps me here anyway... I guess I'm just afraid of failing(being thwarted) and being stuck living with an even more messed-up life.