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Jan 09, 2010, 02:27 PM
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This is going to be a positive T post  . I’ve posted my share of angsty T posts, and related to many more posted by others. I understand how hard it can be to do the deep, sensitive work that needs to be done. But something has changed in my therapy over the last several months. Things are just going so well. 
I really think my T is the perfect T for me. Back at the beginning, she tried so hard to reach me, to meet me where I was rather than saying I had to do this or that, even when I didn’t know how to talk or reflect very well. I think she would read my facial expressions, and try to guess what I felt, since I couldn’t put it into words yet. And she was always a couple steps ahead of me, she would help narrate what I was feeling or what was happening (mirroring?). It’s always made me feel like she cared about me and how I felt and was interested.
And then when I started wanting to connect to her, it was overwhelming sometimes. Like lots of people post about, having difficulty with breaks, assuming she was thinking negative things about me, assuming that if she didn’t do X, then it must mean Y, etc. She was so understanding. She was so generous with out of session communication. She was so upfront and responsible. She told me from the start that she didn’t mind it, that she wanted me to connect with her, that she could take care of herself, and that she knew that over time things would even out. We talked about lots of hard things – the connection being some of the hardest and that which caused the most ruptures. But we made an agreement that I wouldn’t just walk away, that we’d work through things, and since then we have.
Now things are so calm. I just feel supported, but not desperate. I don’t second guess her much at all. I don’t assume everything she does is an indication of her thinking something bad about me – I know that some things she does have nothing to do with me. I don’t lean on her very much for out of session contact, even though she doesn’t mind it. I feel like I can hold things and just look forward to sharing them in session now. I don’t know exactly how things got here, and I can’t promise we’ll never have another rupture, but I do think there’s been some growth here, that I’ve grown to the point where I feel secure in the relationship, that I don’t doubt it or need to test it all the time. It’s a nice place to be and leaves me more energy for some other big things in my life.
And I’ll stay in therapy for now. My T doesn’t mind and I still feel like I can learn from her, that she models certain things and that I value her take on other things. But things are good and I just wanted to share a positive T post. Maybe it will be encouraging for someone going through one of the harder T moments, to know that it is possible to come back out on the other side. Good wishes to all on their therapy journeys... 
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