CK23... I can so relate to the two sides of you. The public adult persona and the private emotional child. I will engage with people and look every bit the all together sociable, intellegent and together woman only to fall apart in private from the strain of upholding a false persona. I will leave those situations with a mix of embarrassment and rage. Embarrassment with my own imaginings of having messed up somewhere (the perfectionist's criticism) and enraged because no one saw my neediness (the lonely child's hurt). To prevent myself from being dragged down by these racing thoughts and emotions I have learned to repeat over and over to myself 'No replays, no regrets allowed'. I say it until the thoughts stop pushing their way into my head and they can no longer create their chaos.

I think sometimes if I want people to be there for me... to be availble to comfort me emotionally I need to be more authentic with them from the start. Easier said than done because it takes a good amount of trust and a willingness to be disappointed sometimes.

That is were balance becomes really critical. How to be both strong and vulnerable at the same time. How to be an adult and a child at the same time. How to not be needy while expressing a need. How to communicate our truth without feeling over exposed. How to nurture friendships with equal give and take. I am much better at giving than taking and tend to reserve taking from a select few. Often those people go from my life quickly because I think I swamp them with my neediness. Again I see it as not effectively balancing my adult giver with my child taker. My ideal friendship would be one where I was authentic about both my needs and my gifts.

Not sure if that makes any sense to you or is relevant to your situation but thought I would share it with you anyways.

I can appreciate you feeling hurt right now because your friend is seeming distant from you. I get that totally. Rationale or not your little child is feeling neglected and is fearful of having lost a source of love and support. It is a painful place to be.

What would your thinking say if you put yourself in her shoes. Putting aside any thought that this is a one way friendship and she wants to cut you out what other reason could there be for her not responding to you yet? Could it be that she may have other things pressing on her to deal with right now? Could it be that she is busy and plans to get back to you when she has the time? Could it be as has already been mentioned that she does not know how dependant you are right now? If so how can she be held accountable for what she doesn't know? How can her response to you or lack of response be judged if the basis of the judgement requires her to know something she doesn't?

Perhaps she is feeling overloaded by your need and is concerned about the dependancy. That's a lot of pressure. She may feel she has to be very careful in her communications with you because her words and actions have so much weight. In her shoes it may be that she is unsure of her next move and that has taking her time before making any move. It could be any number of a million imaginable scenerios.

Perhaps it is more important now and in the long run for you to balance your needs from her. To not have all your eggs in one basket so to speak. If one becomes dependant on one person for all of their emotional needs it seems inevitable to me based on my own experiences that the relationship is going to break. That is too much for a single relationship to withstand.

The only other thought I have, and again these are just my thoughts on the subject and you may well have a totally different take on your own situation because we are all different but I think, in my ideal world, we have to be accountable for what we don't communicate the same way we are accountable for what we do communicate. If you have not communicated the depth of your need for her to initiate contact with you, to nurture a two way communication then you can't interpret her reactions with totally clarity. She may well think it is perfectly fine the way it is. Unless you communicate why you are feeling hurt then she can not even know it is an issue. None of us can know what another is thinking or what another needs unless the communication is clear.

And finally, if she is feeling overloaded by you then how do your process that? How do you take forward from that a learning opportunity that goes back to living a life separating your adult persona with your child needs? The million dollar question I know and one like I say I still grapple with myself. The point is it may be less about your friend and more about you. The good news is that you can change and control you but you can't change or control your friend. You can effect your own peace and happiness more effectively than can your friend. In fact we must take responsibility for our own peace and happiness before we hold others responsible for meeting those needs. After all isn't that much of what fuels our illnesses? The challenge of finding balance and harmony when negative perceptions get in the way of our reality. Just my thoughts and shared wonderings.

Wishing you well and giving all of you many hugs.