Elysium, you are not alone. I feel exactly the same way. I was in a very long term relationship before I got into therapy, and I did all the sex stuff because I felt like I had to. I felt like a container, a thing, an object, and I hated it. I hated getting turned on because it was scary.

I have not been in a relationship since I started therapy several years ago. For me, this is a step forward. At least I am not forcing myself do do things that feel abusive anymore. Maybe someday I will be able to have a relationship again, but from where I stand now that seems highly unlikely.

I don't have a CSA history, either. "Just" physical abuse. But I seem to have generalized from that to form a sort of five-foot bubble around myself that I can't have crossed.