Why are you there may I ask? I completely understand supporting family when needed but for the love of PETE you're making this your problem. From this and previous posts I infer that you have no interest in this home what-so-ever. It's AJ's father and AJ. How did you get sucked into this vortex of caring for your MIDDLE AGED CHILD like an eight year old?

The hardest thing we can do as parents is step back and make our kids face the consequences of their actions. There is a huge difference between helping and doing it for them. And from the sound of it your efforts aren't met with appreciation but with contempt and hostility. Being a mother does not mean you're a door mat.

We all carry scars from our childhood. Why ever would he work on these issues if mom is there to smooth things over and pick up the pieces every time he stumbles?

What is preventing you from getting your own place and allowing AJ to make his own mistakes and dealing with the consequences? How old do you think he has to be before you give yourself permission to live your own life? At the risk of sounding harsh, in my opinion you're enabling his behavior, not helping him.