From what you are saying it sounds like you want to change. However, you are scared of the change. Maybe it would be helpful therefore to explore why you are afraid of change. I have known people who are afraid of change - they all experienced som serious situations in their childhood when they were not in control and felt both fear and helplessness in facing this situation.

Also - maybe this is connected to why you are dreading letting someone in and helping you.

In the end - if you want your therapist to help you - you have to trust him/ her. If she /he is a good therapist they would allow you to feel in control over the process, which you should be anyway. So if you current one does not allow you this or makes you feel you cannot open for another reason - please change therapist. You can decide that you can go for one session trial and see how it goes.

What dont you want anyone to know?

Hugs xxx