Everything's so complicated. School has been good for me, it gives me structure and something to work towards. While I'd be willing to give it alone up for a semester, there's more to it. I'm supposed to be in a co-leadership position in my dorm - something that would either be good for me or a heavy responsibility - I'd hate to step down from that, it'd be very difficult emotionally. And then the question of where to be if I'm not inpatient - I'm sure I wouldn't be inpatient the whole semester. Home isn't a healthy place for me to be for long - it breeds my depression. School gives me the chance to be away from home, in a structured environment.
And then my biggest fear - if I don't improve enough, I'm afraid I'll end up in the state ward, because I'm so chronically suicidal - I'm not even that safe right now... I think they were just getting pressure to release me... that was 2 weeks ago, and it's been pretty tough to stay safe.
There is no good option. That thought just drives me toward suicide, but I'm holding out for something... I don't know what. I want to give school a try, but I need to get this med changed, I really can't tolerate it any longer. I'm even between pdocs right now, so contacting one holds a lot of second-guessing as to whether I should call him at all. Maybe I could call my case manager about this... but I see her Tuesday... I guess I'll just have to wait.