Thank you so much for the responses everyone. It at least helps me feel a little less crazy that there are others acknowledging that this is a difficult situation. I mean, it feels really wrong to me what they are trying to do but then I thought maybe it's not if they paint it as being "in my best interest."

To answer some of the questions being answered, here's what I know so far. First, my counselor is very much on my side and wanting to fight them on this decision. She has told me that she believes this decision is coming from them for two reasons; the first, the director of the agency has a personal issue against her (she didn't elaborate) to the point that she has had to seek legal advice on a possible hostile work environment lawsuit, so they are trying to prove that she has been incompetent in her handling of me and second, the publicity of inappropriate treatment toward this other DID client by the therapist in this community has them scared of treating anyone with DID. It is easier for them to label me borderline in order to access services at this inpatient treatment center (they treat women who are borderline or have substance abuse issues, and I have neither) and then send me to another clinic after hospitalization so they can avoid any possibility of liability in the future by treating "someone like me." Of course, the ridiculous thing about all of this is that the counselor who was found to have inappropriate boundaries by the state board with this DID client not only got to continue seeing her current clients but was even allowed to continue seeing this same DID client if it was mutually agreed upon. So the fact they want to see me sent elsewhere at the mere possibility of potential problems (even though there has not been any problems thus far) seems really weird to me. Right now, the best that my counselor is hoping for in the appeal is that they allow me to continue seeing her. However, even if they say I can continue seeing her they are still requiring inpatient treatment. Whether that means they would go through a commitment process, I really don't know. But I'm not sure what grounds they could do that on, considering I'm not a threat to others and though I'm extremely depressed I do not have a history of suicidal attempts or hospitalizations.

As it stands right now, my counselor is fighting their decision but in some ways is relenting on inpatient treatment. Prior to their decision I had agreed to enter inpatient treatment for the purpose of doing intensive trauma work because I want to find a way to stop the little voice in my head that sends me back to my family to be hurt by them. She has told me that, although she doesn't feel it will be particularly helpful to be send to the treatment center they are sending me to because it is not trauma focused at all, she thinks maybe getting out of town and away from the firestorm while the complaint and appeal is being done may be in my best interest. But now that I was given information on this inpatient center and what they do and finding out that I would have to be there at least three months in an inappropriate setting, now I am wanting to back out of this. I mean, being hospitalized (in a lot of ways, involuntarily) in a place that treats people for things I do not need help in really seems like a waste of time to me. I don't need to learn how to stop using drugs and alcohol because I don't have issues with it. I don't need to learn life skills like balancing budgets, things they teach there, because I don't have issues with that either. And I don't need DBT therapy. I'm very familiar with it, until I hit that roadblock I referred to I was in my internship to receive my masters degree in counseling and where I worked I ran a DBT group and trained other staff in how to use DBT with troubled youth. It's not that I don't think I need help; I just don't agree with the help they are wanting to send me to.

Right now, the stance the agency is taking is that I either go to this center they are wanting to send me to or I will not be receiving any services from their agency. In fact, several months ago (before they made this decision) I told my counselor I wanted to again try medication because even if I have not found medication to be helpful in the past I wanted to at least see if it could help my worsening depression and anxiety. The agency dictated who I was "allowed" to see, so last week I saw the psychiatrist that they set me up with. After going, I found out the reason I had to see this guy was because he was the psychiatrist who was part of the committee who made this determination. And the 40 minute appointment for medication help was actually 35 minutes of interrogation and 5 minutes of focus on medication. Those 5 minutes consisted of asking me what I wanted to be put on, and when I told him the only medication I found minimally helpful was Zoloft, he asked me what dosage I wanted to be put on. When I stated that I did not know anything about dosages and what might help, he responded by saying "oh sure you do, you've been at this long enough." Needless to say, the appointment was a joke.

I'm at a point where I don't know what to do. I'm not even sure who to contact in order to find some sort of advocacy on my behalf. Last night I started thinking that maybe I should ask for a second opinion, or to have myself evaluated by someone completely independent of the agency. But I did that, again just a few years ago, and the trauma specialist I saw for several months said that I had PTSD, DID, Depression, and some schizoid features (I'm apparently high on the schizoid scale of the MCMI as well.) I'm also feeling like I'm stuck behind a rock and a hard place though, as I have finally found a counselor I really feel connected with and I feel I am making progress with. And to be given an ultimatum of "go receive inpatient DBT or be forced to stop seeing her"...I just end up wondering if I should listen to them and do what they tell me so that I can at least continue seeing her. It just seems so...wrong.

But this is what I'm struggling with. I seem stuck between not sure if I should fight this (and if so, how to even go about fighting this decision when they seem so intent on staying with their opinion) or if I should just relent and do what they tell me so at least I could hopefully continue seeing the same counselor.