I wrote a reply but I think my computer ate it. Oh well, it certainly shows how new to this I am.

Thank you for the replies, it really helps me feel relieved that maybe I'm not crazy in thinking what they're doing doesn't seem right. I'll try my best to answer some of the questions.

First, it seems right now that the most my counselor is hoping for in the appeal is that they continue to allow me to see her. She doesn't agree with the assessment that I have borderline personality disorder, but she isn't really fighting inpatient treatment. Her rationale for this is that prior to their decision we had been talking about trying inpatient treatment for trauma, so that I could be in a safe place to begin working on some of the unconscious messages I have and work through some of the things that are in my past. I was initially hesitant to this but agreed that I would try it. She's also not fighting the inpatient hospitalization by them as well because she thinks that maybe it would be best to have me out of town for a while so that she can continue to fight them so that I'm no longer caught in the middle of this 'firestorm.'

My issue with that is this; the inpatient program they want to send me to I don't feel appropiately addresses the issues I'm having. The treatment is not trauma based at all, but instead is designed for women with borderline personality disorder and/or substance abuse issues. They focus on things like sobreity, how to take care of yourself (ie. managing a budget, applying for employment, daily living skills like hygeine and taking care of yourself, etc.) and DBT. But I do not have issues with these things. I do not have a substance abuse issue, I take care of myself, I am not self-destructive or have impulse control problems. In addition, when I hit the 'road block' that I referred to earlier, I was in the process of completing my internship for my masters degree in counseling and as part of that placement I facilitated DBT groups and taught other interns and staff how to co-facilitate DBT. So I know how to emotionally regulate myself, remain mindful, etc. I think there are aspects that could probably be helpful. But an inpatient hospitalization for at least 90 days? I just feel it's unnecessary and there must be another way.

I just feel like I'm at an impasse and not sure what to do. The agency is insisting I am borderline, even though they've never met me, and they are standing firm that I need to be hospitalized and then sent elsewhere. My counselor has told me that she feels this decision was based on this other case in the community of poor boundaries coupled with a personal issue that the director has with her (which apparently was bad enough that within the last couple of years she had to hire a lawyer to consult on a possible hostile work environment complaint.) In doing so, they've created an environment that feels so toxic that I'm extremely uncomfortable even seeing her right now (they have granted permission for me to see her once weekly until 'appropriate arrangements can be made.') Several months ago I decided I should try medication again, even though I have found minimal success with it. After having an appointment with a female doctor there (I'm more comfortable with women) the agency decided last month that they wanted to dictate who I could see, so they cancelled the appointment and forced me to see this other guy. I was a little frustrated with it but decided I would play along because I really just wanted to get some help in dealing with this worsening depression and anxiety. I saw the psychiatrist they set me up with last week and it was a 40 minute appointment where 35 minutes of it was an interrogation and then 5 minutes was focused on putting me on medication. I found out in the middle of the appointment that he was the psychiatrist who sat in on the meetings and helped in forming this decision about me. Needless to say the appointment was a joke. He even had me "pick out" the medication I wanted to be placed on and then asked me what dosage. When I stated I did not know anything about dosages and stuff like that, he responded by saying "oh sure you do, you've been at this long enough." I left there in tears, as it has become very evident that they are not interested in helping but in getting me out of there by any means necessary.

So I'm feeling quite stuck. I'm not sure if I should continue to fight, particularly the hospitalization as I really don't feel it would be helpful or appropriate to what I need treatment for. I also don't even know how to go about fighting their decision if it seems that what they're doing is wrong. I mean...it feels like what they're doing is wrong, but I second guess myself a lot and wonder maybe it's just me and what they're doing isn't so bad after all. Also, I really have a connection with my counselor and want to continue seeing her. So I wonder if maybe I should just do what they tell me in hopes that "giving in" will allow me to continue seeing her after hospitalization. But even that just feels wrong, to have to go and seek treatment that I know isn't appropriate just to get help. And it still doesn't address the intensive trauma treatment that my counselor and two other trauma specialists have already said I need.

Maybe I should see if I should talk to the ombudsman here, see if there is someone who could advocate for me on my behalf. Or see if it would be possible to have some sort of independent evaluation done. I don't know...