warning for SA, but we don't want in SA because we know it's about Dissociation...*sigh*

well, we had a very bad dream last night...maybe nightmare.

See, we woke up, we dreamed and were being something shoved down our froat and we knew it was not okay but we still instructed to do what we told...we were little but we licked it anyway. It was too big and choked but we had sexual feelings in our lower part as an adult.

So then, still in our dream, as a more grown up person we went to the mirror in our bathroom because we thought we would see what the perpetrator looked like and we were surpirsed to see that in the mirror it was all muted grey and black.

We were furious because it was told to us that we would find out who did that to us if we looked in the mirror and that we thought we would be able to know who made us do that but then to find out it was not revealed and that we were tricked again mad us very distraught. Then when the feeling of the adult, still in the dream didn't go away we woke up and were confused.

Lately we have been waiting to see the face of the perpetrator/s but have been so afraid to look...it seems the more they hide in the folds of our mind.

No, we are not a perpetrator but sometimes in alters we have carried the likeness of the perpetrators and we know that to be true even if our own self would not harm anyone.

We also, getting ready to go back to therapy and we know that stuff will arise that is supposed to be worked on...we just feel *@^(*% that we could not see the face or at least an outline.

Our defense mechanism seem powerful!
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