So since i am awake with thoughts i figured id jot them down for my amusement later.

Cook or get out of the kitchen. I like that saying actually. Its more polite than the one ive heard. The trouble for me is im not sure i know how to cook and even if i did, im not sure im hungry. I have one foot in and one foot out. I want therapy to work. Yet im very reluctant for wholesale change as well.

I look up at the mountain of changes i need to make and it sure is daunting. Something tells me even if i succeed at such a huge task and everything is peachy that it wont be for long. Ive abused myself with smoking and all sorts of other things. I doubt it would be that big of a shock medically if something bad happened. On my death bed will i be grateful i spent the last years of my life fixing myself even though then i wont get the payoff?

I guess also i am bitter that i have let this mountain build. Instead of just taking a small step everyday like most people, i didnt move. From my earliest memory ive always only done just enough to get by. I dodged a few boulders that fell my way but as soon as they rolled past i went back to the spot i was standing. So now i have this huge mountain to climb. Will there be much rewards when i make it? Nope, then ill only be on par with normal people.

Is all this junk distorted thought? Quite possibly but if everyones perception is their truth, then this is my truth.