This may trigger ~ S.A. briefly mentioned below.

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I've recently noticed a pattern I've fallen into. I was abused in early and throughout middle childhood. In mid-teen years to early 20's, I used my experience to attract "true love". Didn't work, but -- I almost always dissociated during sex. Even during 18 years of marriage & fidelity w/ my ex, I dissociated. I couldn't enjoy sex. Instead, it became automatic. Wonderful for him ~ but I was 20 miles away.

Anyway, I'm now in another relationship. He's been fantastic with me. Very giving, slow, and safe. I really want to be there emotionally. I rarely ever dissociate with him. However, I have a very hard time reaching orgasm. I find that I have to be completely into the task itself to allow orgasm, but that's a very fine line between dissociation.

Do you understand what I'm talking about? Does this make any sense?? I do care deeply about my bf ~ and he does please me ~ so why am I still in this pattern? I feel bad, because he has picked up on my tendency (despite hours of trying every time!) & fears that it's due to his physical disability.