Just because you go after him for support doesn't mean she had to know all the details. My niece is 15 and her dad was a total dead beat. When she was born his parents told him if he never saw her again they would pay for his college - so thats what he took and has never ever met her. My sister has since gotten married and they have 3 children of their own. She always knew that Jim wasn't her real father but my sister didn't think it was appropriate to explain how her dad was a total jerk.

So she has gone back and forth between wanting to meet him and never wanting anything to do with him for several years. She is just now starting to come to terms with the fact that she will probably never meet her real father.

Does she call your husband daddy? Did he ever adopt her or put his name of the birth certificate? Even though my niece calls Jim "dad" her last name is different because she understands that if he were to officially adopt her they would stop receiving child support and I think she knows that the financial support really does help her out.

3.5 yrs old is pretty young to be explaining things like date rape.....maybe talk to a T about the right way to explain things? My friend has an open adoption and her child is 5 and the adoptive parents and her had to go to counseling to learn the right way to explain that "Aunt Natalie is really your mom".