"i look up people i havent seen in years, last time it was childhood friends from 20 yrs ago. for awhile it was like we never parted ways untill i started with those pesky delusions, it does'nt take long to alienate everyone. then the crash and guilt and shame. i push everyone away even though i need them more than ever."

Wow. it is so comforting to hear someone else say this. I do the same thing, but could have never put it into words so well.
It took me soo long to realize that the times in my life that I thought were "normal, or happy" were actually manic phases that always produced feelings of guilt after they came to an end. Before my axniety became real bad, I would hop from person to person trying to make best freinds out of them all. my thing was always not so much having a group of people, more a best freind that I became obsessed with and basically smothered. I did this with lots of different girls I worked with, or whatever, and then I pushed them all away when the delusions got to me and stuck me right back into the dark hole of depression. Then I isolate...refuse to see or even talk with anyone. Eventually people stop trying. Really, it is a sad existance, because then I become stuck. Others move on with thier lives...and I am left with all of my delusions about old freinds. Then I become manic again .... and the cycle starts all over. Facebook is soooo bad for being manic. I message old freinds who are left wondering why I have not moved on??? getting older i find it harder and harder to make new freinds. my axniety has become a real problem due to the guilt and shame I am left with after manic episodes....who can handle not being able to trust themselves?? It is hard to sort of have to personalites...one that is grounded somewhat...and another who is a maniac!!