I ask myself that question over and over and over again. I know what's wrong with me. I just can't do this. I feel so crappy, but then again, I don't. I feel so alone, but then again, I don't. I don't know what I'm feeling or how to feel it. I feel incapable of being happy. I'll feel happy, realize I feel happy and suddenly not feel so happy anymore. What the heck? What kind of freak WANTS to be miserable?
For some reason, part of me is fascinated by my 'depression' (dare I call it that.) It's like I'm watching someone elses life and I never really do anything. What I do is all kind of automatic, I don't feel like I make choices about everyday things. But then again, I do. And when I do, I make bad ones. Mentally cursing myself, hurting myself, doing things and allowing things I know will destroy me. And I want them to. I want to watch myself die.
But I'm not dying. Ugh. I'm living fairly normally and everyone thinks this state of 'bluck' is just normal for me, or that I'm choosing to be this way. Am I? Am I? Oh God. If I am making myself this way, than I hate myself even more.
I don't know what the heck is my problem. I feel like I'm a selfish jerk who is making this whole thing up. Like I don't need help, because I am the problem, so obviously, I can fix it. I want to just 'snap out of it' and be a normal person again.
But I can't seem to do it! I want to snap out of it, but I 'can't'. Or do I just not want to?
I am so confused. I want this to be over. I think about suicide. i have done minor self harm. But why? Why? Becuase I hate myself? Becuase I'm trying to prove to myself that there is a problem? Becuase I'm a selfish idiot? I don't know. Suicide would make me lose what I have- a chance. But I'm blowing my life so badly. Why not just end it and go with the theme?
I can't do it- I'd hurt so many people. But what about me? What am I supposed to do? I've been trying to convince myself in or out of this for so long. I know what I should do, but I can't/won't do it.
I just wanna die. But I don't. I don't know what I want. I feel so out of control. I'm so ashamed of myself and I don't want to believe any of this is real. I wish it was just a nightmare I could wake up from and shake off.
Do I or do I not have an illness? I wish I knew. But I don't want to bother anyone (not even the people here) I'm fine, really. Just fine.
I'm sorry. I'm just ranting and trying yet again to straighten things out in my messed up head.