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Jan 12, 2010, 07:03 PM
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Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: So Cal
Posts: 3,342
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First off, a near four year old child is not going to understand Rape, and what it means to her and you.
It almost sounds like your husband is taking the attitude that the two children are somehow different...that his step-daughter is different because she is not biologically his.
My suggestions are to work this out any way possible. If she is raised with the notion that her sister is "better" than her, in her Father's eyes (Yes...Father's, not Step-Father; he's the only one she's known), not only will this impact and probably hurt the sibling relationship, but it will lead to self esteem issues in your child, and she will grow up feeling this divide between her and her Father which will cause long term damage in her life.
I think, when she is mature enough (Not necessarily based on chronological age), she would be okay with learning that she has a biological DAD and a real DAD who has cared for her since she was a baby. BUT...I would be very careful telling her that she was a child of a rape, no matter how old she is. This can devastate a child...even as a teen or young adult. It can mess with their heads real bad and hurt them tremendously.
If her Dad can get it together and drop the "your different than us" thing...I think this would be best. If not, you may need to seek some guidance from a counselor at some point to assist with damage control. 
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