((((((((dayzee)))))))))

It sounds like you are really struggling right now. I can sure understand being triggered by what's going on in your life. I hope that your doctor is doing something to help you, and not just making you feel bad about what happened. When things are this hard, maybe a few days in the hospital, or at least someplace safe and away from your everyday life and troubles (like staying with a trusted friend for a while) would help you to get a new perspective and renewed strength to continue on. You have done really well. Now you have had a relapse, but you can recover from this too. You've done it before and you can again. Just make sure that you are safe and that you get the help that you need.