Angel - that is a very intense dream. I think it may reflect the fear you have of doing what you know you need to do - of being honest with T about the event you are not wanting to bring up.

Not making this about me in any way, but want to share something with you that might help you with this. Last week I was also very close to the edge - too close. And it ended up with an emergancy session with T and him having to reschedule his client who was there already. Ugg - talk about guilt on this end! And then having to tell him the details of it and such. Well, there was a look in T's eyes of sadness and disappointment. He still showed total compassion and consideration for me, but I noticed his truth. And it hurt me.

I thought about that look for several days now. And for a few of those days I was ready to just cancel just becuase I could not stand the idea that T was not happy with me.

Then it hit me ..... the reason I am sharing this with you. T has a RIGHT to be upset with us - to be hurt - to be a little pissed. If a T was not those things when a client goes too far, then they really would not be a T worth having. They have those responses because they are human and because they honestly care. They manage those emotions internally and try to respond to our distress in a way that is healthy for us... but you know what, it hurts them inside. They try to help us out and do all they can to give us the skills we need to get healthy... and then things happen and we fall down.

When I go to therapy this week, the first thing I am going to do is appologize to my T for my actions. Not that I was that sad and angy and have DID problems - the root of my actions... but honestly let him know that I do want to get a grip on my own mental health and learn how to handle the bad times. And I am not appologizing for his benifit - I am doing it for me.

We need to be honest with T. We need them to be honest with us. And sometimes that means we need them to be disappointed in our actions when those actions go against our healing process. And just like a good parent - they will not just walk away from us... they may turn their heads and shed a tear when we are not looking because their heart was dented... but seeing a tear from them might encourage us to try just a bit harder the next time.

((((( big hugs to you )))))